“Abigail” the movie isn’t altogether bad, but Abigail the pint-sized, pirouetting villain could use some serious… rehearsal.
It’s hard to imagine a slasher movie about a vampire ballerina stuck in a “Usual Suspects” situation lacking bite. But writer/directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillet’s fifth feature matches the meager meat of its title, presenting a disappointing outing in silly slasher conceits that probably played better behind the curtain.
“Matilda: The Musical” alumna Alisha Weir stars as the titular monster: a twirling vehicle for terror whose status as a member of the undead is theoretically a reveal. Kidnapped by a rag-tag gang of criminals, Abigail starts the film as a helpless little rich girl blindfolded, tied to a bed, and left to wait for her dangerous daddy in a mostly mahogany mansion.
The Radio Silence-approved “Scream” queen Melissa Barrera is the target’s primary handler. Masked and meticulous with a sympathetic backstory of her own, Joey doesn’t want to see Abigail hurt. That’s a throughline you’ll be expected to follow well past its logical conclusion in what’s ultimately a misguided experiment in child-centric horror that loses its way worse than a toddler with stage fright.
One abductor in a set of misunderstood misfits, Joey is joined by four other kidnappers. With the late Angus Cloud and the interminably delightful Kathryn Newton among in its heist crew, this horror-comedy is first and foremost played for laughs. But the additions of William Catlett as a stoic military guy, Kevin Durand as the muscle, an especially sinister Dan Stevens, and a brief but important performance from TV star Giancarlo Esposito brings an essential gravitas to the cutesy premise.
A “Ready or Not” redux running on half the steam, this one-location misfire has plenty of parts that work but its namesake isn’t among them. Weir is fine, bringing precise dedication to her ill-conceived role and dancing the hell out a sequence that feels viciously ripped from “M3GAN.” But the stage onto which the actress presents her terribly misbehaved tiny dancer can’t seem to support the wackiness of what she’s meant to carry.
Yes, “Abigail” was conceived as a new take on “Dracula’s Daughter.” But as the finished product stands, that infamous origin story is as invisible as a vampiric reflection. Not only is Abigail routinely sidelined by a plot that fails to trust her skills, but the ostensible underpinnings to her character are as half-assed as one-sided fang. If ballet means anything to anyone (and it doesn’t have to but specificity helps), it’s not on display here. And with neither a solid backstory nor a truly satisfying kill to stand on, “Abigail” is a far cry from the classic horror movies featuring her dad who actually matters.
That said, this goopy letdown has many of the signature beats known to fans of Radio Silence and, although that has diminishing returns, the encore is worth something. Not only does “Abigail” better define a filmmaking duo adored by the genre, it also offers a reasonably fun concept with some entertaining one-liners that will get laughs in theaters. Those giggles won’t vanquish the annoyance of watching one of the hardest little goblins in showbiz (seriously, Weir tries) get wasted on a participation trophy of a movie. But with a title that puts way too much on its starring blood-suckers little shoulders, at least those funny parts give Abigail a chance to collect her flowers.
Grade: C-
Distributed by Universal Pictures, “Abigail” is in theaters April 19, 2024.
