A giant brain the size of a Volkswagen! Ancient bog people who explode when they masturbate! Self-effacing jokes about Canada’s place in the world! “Rumours” might abandon the silent film aesthetic that has come to define Guy Maddin’s singular brand of absurdism, but not even the complete absence of exclamatory title cards is enough to suggest that this ridiculous comedy of manners could have — or would have — been made by anybody else.
Reuniting with co-directors Evan and Galen Johnson for their first proper feature since “The Forbidden Room” in 2015, the pride of Winnipeg returns to the big screen with a movie that shakes up his style without sacrificing any of its silliness, a feat made all the more impressive by the caliber of the actors that Maddin and co. have wrangled to carry it.
Still, it’s a good thing that people like Cate Blanchett and Charles Dance were compelled to come aboard; not only are they wildly overqualified for their roles in a way that serves to further enhance the farcical idiocy of the film around them, but the spectacle of watching Lydia Tár summon her inner Angela Merkel is one of the few compelling sights in the first Maddin joint that isn’t deliriously overstuffed with things to look at.
Absent decomposing frames, mind-bending rear-projection techniques, and some of the wackiest set designs since the glory days of German Expressionism, “Rumours” is more or less just 119 minutes of watching seven fictional world leaders shuffle through a spooky forest in a giant circle. That they go nowhere and accomplish nothing is precisely the point, doubling as both the movie’s premise and its punchline, but the payoff for Maddin and the Johnsons’ big joke wouldn’t be strong enough to justify such a long walk if not for how much fun everyone seems to be having along the way.
The joke is that the most powerful elected officials on the planet are all gormless nincompoops whose only real conviction is that they deserve to be the most powerful elected officials on the planet, and “Rumours” puts that conviction to the test in any number of dryly hilarious ways. The film takes place at — and with stated gratitude for — the G7 forum somewhere in rural Germany, where the heads of state from seven of the world’s richest countries gather to jerk each other off. Not literally, of course (though there are some international relations if you know what I mean … sex, I’m not talking about sex). But literally jerking each other off would probably be more productive than the actual end purpose of the summit, which is to co-write some anodyne statement about bettering humanity or whatever. It’s the illusion of work at a presidential level, and these people take it very seriously.
None of them more so than Blanchett’s German chancellor Hilda Ortmann, who’s hosting the G7 in a power suit that screams “I am hosting the G7!” (again, not literally). If she has an ulterior motive, it might have something to do with Canada’s strapping, man-bunned, and irony-blind prime minister Maxime Laplace (Roy Dupuis), who’s rumored to be stepping down because of an amusingly arcane insurance faux pas. But Maxime already has a fire in the iron with British prime minister Cardosa Dewindt (Nikki Amuka-Bird), because colonialism never stops fucking the countries it claims for itself (cue the Cinemax-worthy sex jazz). Of course, any fears of Maddin pivoting towards sharp political commentary will be laid to rest as soon as “Rumours” introduces us to American president Edison Wolcott, who’s played by the extremely not American Charles Dance, imperious accent included. There’s almost a moment when Edison unpacks that, but then he’s interrupted by a masturbating bog person or something.
About that: French president Sylvain Broulez (a jolly Denis Ménochet) is obsessed with these mummified corpses from the ancient world, most of whom were thought to be leaders of their respective communities — and were ritualistically murdered for their failure to lead their people. Their bones have disintegrated, but their skin has been preserved. Dig up a really unfortunate one and you can still see their intact penis slung around their neck. The ominous synth music that plays over the soundtrack when one of these bog people is unearthed in the beginning of the film is a decent indication that we might see more of them later, possibly in the aftermath to — or as the cause of — an apocalyptic event that strands the G7 in their writing gazebo without any assistance, phone service, or other contact with the outside world. If an outside world even remains to contact.
It turns out that these people may not be well-prepared to handle a crisis, which is unfortunate because… [gestures to the entire world]. The fact that Italian prime minister Antonio Lamorte has some loose sausage in his jacket pocket automatically makes him the most helpful of the lot (he’s played by a sweet and weaselly Rolando Ravello), but even in a film that openly mocks the idea of interpreting it as a political allegory (one of Ménochet’s finest moments), Cate Blanchett and the United States have a naturally tendency to take the lead. And so they walk into the night, jabbering on about one ineffectual plan after another as they slowly wander out of a soap opera into a B-movie.
Much of the chatter is a bit too big on smiling mirth to sustain a script with so few meaningful events, but every member of the cast is so adorable and committed to their schtick that you can’t help but enjoy watching them explore it. Dance’s lordly swagger is a great foil for Dupuis’ Quebecois stoicism, while Blanchett is having a grand old time applying her inimitable poise to a character who couldn’t find her way out of trouble with a map.
Still, “Rumours” only finds its stride in the rare moments when things actually happen, with the sad exception to that rule being the sudden appearance of Alicia Vikander as the Secretary-General of the European Commission, who’s too whacked out by her crush on the giant brain she finds in the middle of the forest to meaningfully add to the group dynamic (by that point, even the woefully neglected Japanese prime minister played by Takehiro Hira has found a place for himself). But a later scene in which Hilda and Maxime find themselves interacting with an AI chatbot is maybe the most acutely hilarious thing that Maddin and the Johnsons have ever put on screen. It’s the kind of brings the house down moment that leaves you wondering why the rest of the movie was so happy to settle for languorous bits and the occasional sight gag — “Incumbent Life Magazine” is a keeper — instead of laugh-out-loud comic episodes. The theme of the summit is “Regret,” and we certainly get to share in it.
Still, the overriding scenario is strong enough to survive a few pockets of dead air, and even the most enervating moments of the film are re-energized by taking a step back and reflecting upon the broader absurdity of the situation. And “Rumours” thrives in its broadness, especially as the lack of political specificity that it offers to its characters only deepens the fact that there isn’t a single real credo shared between them. Any politician who cares so little about their position is always going to be lost, whether an apocalyptic event has disabled GPS or not. At least we can take comfort in the fact that these clowns have found each other, and the hope that — by doing so — they just might be able to craft the final statement our civilization deserves.
Grade: B-
“Rumours” premiered at the 2024 Cannes Film Festival. Bleecker Street will release it in theaters later this year.
