After watching “The Elegance of Hedgehog”, I was very sorry for Lenny’s life.She is an ordinary concierge, responsible for guarding the gate, cleaning, sending letters and other chores. But this vulgar and slovenly concierge has another unknown side.Lenny loves reading, and the inner room of her residence is a secret study. When she is not working, Lenny will hold her cat named Lev, brew tea in a Japanese iron pot, take out dark chocolate from the refrigerator, open one book after another, and savor the classic old movies.
The little girl Paloma commented that she was “full of thorns, a fortress like a fake package, and deliberately pretending to be very lazy. In fact, her heart is as delicate as a hedgehog, and she likes loneliness, and is extremely elegant.”
A new tenant has moved to the apartment – Mr. Ozu. During the chat, he realized that she was sensitive and noble, so he invited Lenny to dinner at home. Lenny’s mood is contradictory, and the loneliness in her heart makes her eager to understand; The sense of inferiority made her feel afraid to expose herself.
However, she agreed to Ozu’s invitation. On that day, for the first time, she went to the barber shop to have a haircut and put on the borrowed dress. She looked clumsy and flustered.
After dinner, Lenny found herself in love with Ozu, which made her panic. She doesn’t think her humble background is worthy of him. Moreover, she was injured and could not walk out of the shadow of her sister being abandoned by rich children.
So when Ozu invited Lenny to dinner on his birthday, she flatly refused. After Ozu left, Lenny was deeply regretful. She burst into tears in front of Paloma. Can she finally accept this relationship?
What hinders Lenny from accepting this relationship is her low self-esteem.
In psychology, self-esteem is the way people look at themselves, their evaluation and thoughts on themselves, and the sense of value they give themselves.
People with high self-esteem have a belief: I like to be myself, and I am glad that I am myself.
Low self-esteem means that a person has a negative belief in his own quality and value. They will think that they are not good enough, have no ability, and are not worthy of the people around them. Women have lower self-esteem than men.
So, how is low self-esteem formed?
This is inseparable from the negative early experience. Including being punished, neglected, abused, over-controlled by parents, poor family, being excluded and bullied by classmates, etc
Of course, this is not absolute. Even those who grow up under poor conditions are likely to find strong self-esteem; Some people who grow up in a loving environment may also feel dissatisfied with themselves.
It can be seen that this is also inseparable from the core beliefs of people with low self-esteem:
People hate me
I’m worthless
I don’t deserve to be loved
For example, they may avoid all social activities. The core belief behind this is: “Everyone else hates me”.
The reason Lenny refused Ozu’s offer was that she felt
When we strongly believe in these negative core beliefs, we will feel very bad. To avoid it, we will make some rules for ourselves. For example, a person who believes that “I am not worthy of being loved.” will avoid all possibilities of establishing intimate relationships.
So, how can we improve self-esteem for an individual with low self-esteem?
1 Know and accept yourself
Knowing yourself is a required course in life. It includes understanding our views on ourselves, our abilities and limitations, and the way we present ourselves to others.
Psychology has “Chou Hari Window”. It divides everyone’s self into four aspects:
You know, the part that others also know is to disclose me. It is your achievements in work, or your behavior habits in life. You don’t know, but what others know is blind me. Others are a mirror of how we behave. To understand this part of ourselves, we might as well ask others more.
You know, what others don’t know is my secret. It is your personal privacy. It is the secret you stay in your heart and don’t want to reveal to others. This requires you to face the painful and embarrassing past bravely and admit your shortcomings. If you suffer abnormally, don’t bear it alone. Talk to friends or seek professional help in time.
What you and others don’t know is the unknown me.
People have self-knowledge. If you want to understand yourself comprehensively, this part is the most difficult to understand. Because you and others know nothing about it. Facing this part, it is very important to learn to observe yourself. In short, it is to understand your own process from all aspects through records. You can find a notebook to record daily activities and time nodes of everything. In the blank, write down the small things that make you happy or angry, your temporary small ideas, moments of achievement, and large expenditures. The more important thing is to form the habit of observing yourself. When you do everything, don’t completely immerse yourself in it, and leave part of your consciousness to examine what you think at this time. On this basis, try new things in a targeted way and expand your life circle.
If you still don’t know yourself well, you might as well ask the following questions:
What do I like and dislike/what do I know and don’t know/what are my achievements and shortcomings/where are my strengths and weaknesses
Maybe you suffer for your imperfection, but please accept yourself. Only by accepting your imperfection can you become better. Of course, making yourself better doesn’t mean you need to be perfect.
2. Take action
We can create successful experience. That is to set and complete a series of increasingly challenging goals. As you complete one goal after another and continue to succeed, you will have more and more confidence in your ability.
Cultivating a hobby is also conducive to the cultivation of self-esteem, and can also improve their personal ability and social recognition.
3. No longer please
The belief of people with low self-esteem is: “If I refuse, the other party will be angry” “If I say what I really think, we will fall out”.
In communicating with others, we need to challenge this belief. For example, if I say what I really think, will we really fall out?
After adjustment and correction, people with low self-esteem can gradually learn to respect others’ ideas and express their wishes without hostility.
4. Actively talk to yourself.
People with low self-esteem always have an internal voice, saying: “I am a loser”, “I always can’t do anything well”.
Positive self dialogue can transform negative thoughts into positive ones, thus affecting our subconscious mind and helping us rebuild self-esteem.
5 Reasonable response to criticism
Sometimes we are inevitably criticized by others. There are two types of criticism:
To deal with constructive criticism, the first thing to do is to listen. If you don’t understand, ask questions boldly. Then repeat the criticism or ask for improvement suggestions with a modest attitude.
Disruptive criticism, admit the facts and feelings at the same time, and positively affirm yourself.
Finally, Lenny summoned her courage and agreed to Ozu’s invitation. At the restaurant, Ozu showed her heart to Lenny, and she also stepped out of the psychological fort. Unfortunately, on the way home, Lenny had an accident. But she is still happy, because she has opened the door of defense and is ready to love. In reality, many people don’t have the courage in their whole life.
